cause’ when I still see you, it’s impossible to frown but I’m drowning, to me its suffocating, disguises around

and this is proof that I analyze everything I do cause’ when I’m buried no I won’t get that 21 round salute

so I suit up and I put on what they call your Sunday best

because if there’s a next time we’re together I’ll be bound to impress.

No stress, cause’ to me this comes easy

Say I’m duffle-bag crazy? Leave it to Drake and Mr. Weezy

believe me- I can get money if I have  to

but her mark on my hearts more permanent than your tattoos.

My love isn’t perfect because only His can be.
But I’m doing my best to love you the way I’m forced to
and when it’s done right you’ll see enough hopefully to follow my lead
cause’ when all is said and done we were hardly through. Sorry but, still me and you.

But for now it’s off to anything else that sounds fun
Remember one thing I said you better do
and I’m not saying in life mind’s won’t confuse
but heart’s don’t, so change yours and reverse that run.

Its not that I’m so different
Because you are so much the same
but when you’re always in the right
I’m the one that takes the blame

so fall asleep on the couch just one more time
all my cares will release between the creases
my breath stops at every line
and I’m picking up the pieces.

I am nothing more than, a little boy inside. That cries out for attention, yet I always try to hide.

I’m actually glad that I have this blog at this very moment. Someone many years ago established that putting ones thoughts and feelings into words, visable to the author, creates an experience unmatched by other mediums.

But as of right now I’m listening to Staind because the band offers somber moods with lyrical therapy. And its sad because wordly music has no comparison to the comfort that God can bring to me and I keep failing to go to Him. Many things have gone on in the last month or so. Things about my dad, things with Stacey, things with my mother, things with school. I’m not the most busy person in the world by any means, and I act like I’m overwhelmed. Why am I overwhelmed? Thats definately rhetorical, because the answer is simple because I don’t give my cares to God like I should. He’s there waiting for me to come to Him, He’s probably up there right now like “wtf Allen, you know you need me, where you at” (Please do not take that as slanderous or sacriligeous).. its just how I would say it. I need prayers, because I dont’ pray myself. And the fact that I blog about it when I should be praying might contribute to my problem. Kevin is about the only person that I talk in depth about issues that I struggle with. Dawg, it isn’t because you’re the only one I think relates, because I’m sure there are many people that do relate to me. I haven’t solved it, but it seems that you get it more than anyone else. Maybe its the outside Christian perspective; most likely it is. We need coldstone soon bro.

Its crazy how my best friend who I’ve had since 2nd grade barely exists in my world. Things just spiraled and when the dust settled we were on two different sides of the fence. Not by my choice, but my actions was definately a catalyst. I need to fix it, or at least come to terms with it somehow or another.

I’m still tangled up in Stacey. And its great because we’re gonna start a Bible study hopefully in the near future as a couple though I would enjoy others participating. I need to get a headstart on it by getting into the Word myself, let alone speak to God. Its funny how animals seem to always know when you’re upset. Diaz knows how to get in my face when I’m down. Its not like I’m gonna be going to bed anytime soon. My thoughts keep me up most nights, even when I’m sleeping I awake the same way I began. I’m Adventist right? Why aren’t I living it? I’m not asking to be perfect, or saying that I’m some lost person in life. I know what needs to be, and I’m not doing it. I can’t do it on my own and thats what I’ve been trying. You fail on your own. I fail on my own. People live and learn, but I have to learn if I want to live. Eternity means more than school, my dads Health, my mother and my relationship, and Stacey.

I guess I found a starting point. Everything else, fall in line.

You take the words I write as insults as you read.
Inhaling them and choking with pain.
Invisible wounds I’ve caused begin to bleed.
Lines of words I’m attempting to erase,I’m sentenced to take the blame.

Isn’t this reality? Is this my personality?
I’m mentally sick with no appearance of it.
Stay one step ahead thats how you stand up when your down.
Turn off the world, and see that theres nothing around.
Its still, its cold and and of course it is lifeless.
You cling to yourself, your all you have left, you begin to feel priceless.

Theres the sound ringing through your ears. Protection is never gauranteed.
All paths lead to defeat, and theres no victory when you can’t stand on your own two feet.
This is the diagnosis and when you sit in your chair
When you open your eyes and you see that noone is there.
You feel so alone and your empty, not one person around.
you can’t help but believe, and you seem so let down.
but soon you’ll wake from the sleep, alive, never more to drown.
finding yourself present, forever, in a ghost town.

Each day things go through my head that make me wonder if  I really am making the right decisions in life (or even day to day). Am I really taking each day and making the best of it? Or, am I just continually renewing the mistakes I’ve made the previous day and letting them become deeper rooted into my daily routine? Mondays remind me that its a new week of becoming a better person. I just have yet to seize its potential.

 
Its really cold right now, soo cold, that we’re out of school. Hasn’t happened in 10 years, so I’m glad this winter hasn’t been a total waste. Speaking of waste, lol. A couple weeks ago, we missed a couple days of school because a 8th grader at my school decided he’d try to burn our school down. Fool. But other than that, not much has happened, our bball team has been on a skid, surprisingly. Our girls just had their Cougar Classic, that was really fun. I lost my voice quickly, having to cheer for two teams, but thats alright. They took 5th place.

We’re remodeling our bathroom, and its taking forever. The guys we’ve hired to do some work, haven’t really handled their end of the bargain so its taking longer than expected. Hopefully I’ll keep up with my blog. Thanks

well guys,

its 2007. Yeah, I stayed up. I had Brock, Kim, Rachel, Amy, Collin, Bethany and my parents up at our dining room playin’ Yahtzee for hours! I guess it was a “party” lol.. call me lame. (My highest score was 314)

It was a good time. So Ben is home now, and we’ve chilled this whole weekend and tomorrow too. We went out and bought Battlefield: Modern Combat, its a sweet Xbox Live game. So thats what I’m doing tonight. I hope you all had a great New Years, keep your resolutions… if you even make those things. I’ve been pretty happy with 2006 so I hope it carries over to 2007.

          Well, off to another season for the Varsity team at UGCS. We’ve already played 6 games.. we’re 4-2 overall, but 4-1 conference wise. We won the Indian Trails Conference last year and we’re lookin’ to do the same thing. We’ve played some tough teams, but we’re really gettin’ better I think. We’re playin’ team ball, noone is scoring all our points, we spread the ball. I can’t wait to see what the rest of the season has in store for us, I hope we do well.. OH MAN! After Christmas break is a HUGE month. Ethan Allen, Men. Falls, and Alden Hebron, Ill.!! Alot of friday games too, ohhh man. But We’ll be fine, we’re confident, at least I am..